Legend of the Victory Beyond The Final Trigger
by Queego
Summary: The full title of this rather scary little RPG spoof is Legend of the Victory Beyond The Final Trigger Quest Fantasy XV, which is essentially a combination of the worst features of every RPG I have ever, ever read. Not for the weak-hearted.
1. Happy Serfs and Flaming Badgers

Legend of the Victory Beyond The Final Trigger Quest Fantasy XV...THE OPENING (Opening Cinema ensues)  
  
(A shape, formless, appears before an altar. On the altar is a giant Badger, surrounded by flames.)  
  
Formless Mass of Evil (FME): My lord...it is almost complete...  
  
(Nothing happens, except that the flames flare up. The ghastly chittering of an enourmous, flaming badger can be heard)  
  
FME: No, I haven't fetched the groceries yet. But the time of your awakening is at hand!  
  
(Chitter chitter)  
  
FME: There's no need to be obscene.  
  
(Chitter chitter)  
  
FME: Yes master, I did eliminate that pesky dragon.  
  
(Chitter chitter)  
  
FME: No..not dead. I turned it into a lemur, or something of that nature.  
  
(CHITTER CHITTER?!?)  
  
FME: Oh, please. Like a bushbaby can destroy our vast evil? The odds of that happening are about the same as the odds as a callow youth on a quest for revenge after the brutal destruction of his home town travelling the world and getting progressively stronger and toppling your entire empire in one stroke!  
  
(Chitter chitter)  
  
FME: Burn a peasent village? All right.  
  
(Ironic music sting)  
  
(Chitter chitter)  
  
FME: And make sure to leave at least a few survivors to tell any potential heros what happened?  
  
(Ironic music generator goes into overload, begins to play "It's Raining Men" and explodes)  
  
FME: It shall be done.  
  
(Image fades)  
  
(Camera comes up to a quaint cottage in a flower strewn meadow. It is in the quaint, peasent of Idyllisburg. Puppy's romp, children play with toys, and unicorns graze peacefully behind the ruins of a fourteenth century French monastary as sunlight glints off the dew, dappling sunlight light jewels across the meadow. Tradesmen, such as blacksmiths, and merchants pliy their trade, singing and dancing while somehow still working. Mothers, all of whom are white, beautiful, and under thirty-five, take care of the many, many babies that swarm along the ground of the meadow, and washing clothes. Our Hero, Pheonix, walks out of the cottage, surveying his wonderful hometown with a smile on his face)  
  
(Mayaji walks up)  
  
Mayji: I love you. Sleep with me.  
  
Pheonix: I like men. Go away.  
  
Mayaji: You're so insensitive! I think I'll run away to a place where you can easily find me and recruit me on some stupid side quest! (Runs away sobbing...hides behind a sprig of clover)  
  
Pheonix: Durr, I'm male. I'll insensitively ignore the woes of a possible female side romance.  
  
(Pheonix's elderly grandfather, meaning he's about forty, walks out)  
  
Grandfather: Pheonix, I need you to fetch some milk from the grocery store.  
  
Pheonix: What kind of pointless beginning fetch quest is that?  
  
Grandfather: You know, the grocery store on the top of Mount Malfaisant, the mountain which is right in the middle of a huge forest filled with trolls with ubelevably low HP?  
  
Pheonix: There's one down the street. *Points to it*  
  
Grandfather: Don't give me lip, boy! To Mount Malfaisant! Heres a weapon to defend yourself with. *Hands him a huge broadsword*  
  
Pheonix: But I've never used one! It weighs more than I do! *Picks it up and begins to perform incredibly complicated and completely implasible sword techniques with it* See?  
  
Grandfather: And here's a random magical plot device. *Hands it to him*  
  
(the plot device sparkles evilly as ivisible chorus sings ominous gregorian chants)  
  
Pheonix: Grandfather, this looks a little on the unbelievably evil side. I'm going to fetch milk. Why do I need an artifact with all the power of the underworld at it's command?  
  
Grandfather: Do not question the mighty wizard!  
  
Pheonix: You're a wizard?  
  
Grandfather: What? No. Shut up. *Small pixie appears behind his head* No, dont be silly. The apocalypse isn't for weeks now. *Pixie dissapears* And take my pet Bushbaby Queego.  
  
Pheonix: You don't have a pet bushbaby.  
  
Grandfather: SILENCE! *Lightning flash* Here's queego. He certainly isn't any kind of magical creature bespelled to look like a bushbaby.  
  
Pheonix: *Looks at it suspiciously* Can you talk?  
  
Queego: No. Don't be silly. I'm a bush baby.  
  
Pheonix: Okay then!  
  
Grandfather: Go, Pheonix! Go forth and begin your magical, four-disk spanning adventure!  
  
Pheonix: I thought I was fetching milk from a rather inconveniently placed grocery?  
  
Grandfather: *Misty eyed* If only your father wasn't a souless pawn of evil...he'd be so proud.  
  
Pheonix: WHAT?!  
  
Grandfather: *Walks away*  
  
END PART 1 


	2. Intense Battle Tutorial Action!

BEGIN PART TWO  
  
(Pheonix, our intrepid hero, is busily preparing for his trip to the grocery atop Mount Malfaisant. Queego is on his shoulder, pretending he can't talk.)  
  
Pheonix: hello, local merchant. I'm going on a trip to Mount Malfaisant.  
  
Merchant: Here. Take some Fluids.  
  
Game: Received 10 "FLUIDS"  
  
Pheonix: What are these?  
  
Merchant: Oh, merely small, cheap, mass-produced items that heal any injury. Also, take some Purifiers. They cure any illness.  
  
Game: Received 5 "PURIFIERS"  
  
Pheonix: Let me get this straight.you have small, cheap items that cure all injuries and sickness? Why do we even have hospitals?  
  
Merchant: (Ignoring him completely.) Also, take some of these.  
  
Game: Received 2 "ANGEL ENTRAILS"  
  
Merchant: These little puppies bring you back from the dead.  
  
Pheonix: You're kidding, right? For about the cost of a hamburger, you can bring someone back to life? What the hell? Why aren't we all immortal?  
  
Merchant: Have a nice day!  
  
(Pheonix walks out, looking disgruntled. Mayaji, looking angry, runs up.)  
  
Mayaji: I can't believe you were going to leave and not say goodbye! How could you!!?  
  
Pheonix: I'm going to a grocery store.  
  
Mayaji: You were going to leave forever.  
  
Pheonix: I'll be back in ten minutes, tops.  
  
Mayaji: I'm going with you! I won't leave you1  
  
Pheonix: But.Mayaji! You're defense and attack are both so low that you'd be more of a liability then anything!  
  
Mayaji: I LOVE YOU PHEONIX!  
  
Game: "Mayaji" Joined your Party! (Triumphant music)  
  
Pheonix: Great.  
  
(Pheonix leaves Idyllysburg, lovestruck Mayaji following behind him. In about four steps, he enters the dark forest. The forest is.dark, with many overlapping shadows that make getting your bearings really stupidly difficult. Music plays that's trying very hard to be ominous)  
  
Mayaji: Oh, Pheonix! Why did you take me to this awful place!?  
  
Pheonix: (indignantly) TAKE you?!  
  
(Screen blurs)  
  
Pheonix: The hell?  
  
Game: HELPLESS BUNNY attacks the party!  
  
(Suddenly, the grandpa appears)  
  
Grandpa: Battle Tutorial!  
  
Pheonix: EH?!  
  
Grandpa: Congratulations! You've had your first Random Encounter!  
  
Pheonix: Umm, yay?  
  
Grandpa: Many creatures in our world are dangerous, and most want to kill you.  
  
Pheonix: It's a bunny.  
  
Grandpa: These creatures will attack you and your party members, and a fight will begin! Look out!  
  
Pheonix: IT'S.A.RABBIT.  
  
Game: HELPLESS BUNNY used BUNNY SMITE!  
  
(Helpless bunny runs up to Mayaji and nibbles on her foot.)  
  
Mayaji: EEK! (Dies)  
  
Grandpa: Now, Pheonix! It's your turn! Pick up your sword, and stick the pointy end into the bunny!  
  
Pheonix: but I like bunnies.  
  
Game: HELPLESS BUNNY used ARMAGEDDON!  
  
(Huge ball of fire crashes through the treetops, smashing into pheonix and crushing most of his body)  
  
Pheonix: ow.pain.  
  
Grandpa: Quickly, pheonix! Use a FLUID!  
  
(With the last of his strength, Pheonix swallows the FLUID. He is instantly healed.)  
  
Pheonix: That is so implausible.  
  
Grandpa: Now attack the bunny!  
  
(Pheonix crushes the bunny with his sword.)  
  
game: VICTORY!  
  
Pheonix: Over a rabbit?  
  
Game: HELPLESS BUNNY yielded 20 gold!  
  
Pheonix: Where did that bunny keep gold? Or do I want to know?  
  
Game: This concludes the Battle Tutorial.  
  
Mayaji: Wow, that was perilous!  
  
Pheonix: Aren't you dead?  
  
Mayaji: Don't be silly! The battle's over! I'm back to one HP!  
  
Pheonix: So, in theory, to bring someone back to life, drag their corspe to a fight and watch the magic?  
  
Mayaji: You're so silly, pheonix!  
  
Pheonix: I don't like this world anymore.  
  
END PART 2 


	3. Never trust a dairy cow

BEGIN PART THREE (Pheonix and Miyaji are approaching the summit of Mount Malfaisant. Suddenly, Miyaji spies a treasure chest)  
  
Miyaji: Ooh, Pheonix! Treasure!  
  
(Pheonix regards the chest for a moment.)  
  
Pheonix: That chest looks like it's been there for years. It must be locked.  
  
Miyaji: nope. (Opens it)  
  
Game: Received "Blunt Stick!"  
  
Pheonix: This is a well-established route. Why has no one else opened it?  
  
Miyaji: You're silly, Pheonix!  
  
Pheonix: Never mind. (Sighs)  
  
(They enter the convenience store)  
  
Clerk: Welcome!  
  
Pheonix: Kinda lousy location for a store, if you ask me.  
  
Clerk: Eh?  
  
Pheonix: We're here for milk.  
  
Clerk: (Points to rusted can) The cow's out back.  
  
Pheonix: That can't be sanitary.  
  
Clerk: He's a coin. Buy a purifier for someone who gives a damn.  
  
(Pheonix and Mayaji go to the back yard. The cow moos contentedly.)  
  
Pheonix: There's still something essentially wrong here.  
  
(Suddenly, the sky goes black. Lightning flashes, and pretentious organ music fills the air. With a flash of green light, a young woman, clad in fanboy-pleasing black leather and carrying a whip, appears)  
  
Mayaji: EEEK!  
  
Pheonix: Who are you?!  
  
Woman: I.am the Dread Spinter Lesus!  
  
(Dramatic flash of lightning)  
  
Pheonix: How can you be a spinster? You're like, sixteen.  
  
Lesus: Well.um.I.you see.SILENCE, FOOL! I am here to destroy all that you hold dear!  
  
Pheonix: Why?  
  
Lesus: What do you mean, why? I am Dread Spinter Lesus-  
  
(Dramatic flash of lightning)  
  
Lesus: -- and I'm just EVIL that way! MWAHAHAHA!  
  
Pheonix: But.I mean.  
  
Lesus: Silence! I have been ordered by my dark master to kill you all! However, you are hardly a match for me. I shall use my dark powers to create a stupidly under-powered minion of darkness to kill you, and assume everything went to plan!  
  
(.silence)  
  
Lesus: To KILL YOU! (Draws self up in anticipation)  
  
(Nothing happens)  
  
Lesus: Oh, screw it. DREAD SPINSTER LESUS!  
  
(Boom crash)  
  
Lesus: And now, prepare to leap off the mortal coil! (Cow begins to glow with an evil light) Bovinikus! I summon thee!  
  
(The cow, mooing frantacally, rears on it's hind legs, sprouts wings, a few exteranneous heads, and enourmous claws)  
  
Lesus: Now.to Idillysburg! (dissapears)  
  
Mayaji: Pheonix! Look out!  
  
(Bovinikus lumbers slowly torwards them, at roughly three miles per hour)  
  
Pheonix: Why don't we just run?  
  
Mayaji: Don't be silly. We have to kill it.  
  
Pheonix: Why? I mean, look at the poor thing. It can't possibly eat. Why don't we just leave it to starve?  
  
Mayaji: Just.just.just.that's just the way it works, okay!  
  
Pheonix: But-  
  
(Screen blurs)  
  
Game: BOVINIKUS DOOMCOW attacks the party!  
  
Pheonix: Damnit!  
  
Game: BOVINIKUS DOOMCOW used ACID SPRAY!  
  
Pheonix: That doesn't sound very pleasant---  
  
(A spray of acidic milk showers on them both)  
  
Mayaji: EEEK! (Dies)  
  
Pheonix: Great job, Mayaji! (Attacks Bovinikus. Sword bounces off the cow's hide, and smacks Pheonix in the face, knocking him unconcious)  
  
(Screen goes dark)  
  
Grandpa: PHHHHEEEEOOOONNNIX!  
  
(A huge ball of flame crashes down on Bovinikus from the sky. The Doomcow roars with impotent rage, then takes flight)  
  
Grandpa: Pheonix! Are you alright!  
  
Pheonix: Waah.mommy..?  
  
Grandpa: Thank god I came in time!  
  
Pheonix: I knew it! YOU ARE A WIZARD!  
  
Grandpa: Yes. Pheonix.there's something you need to know. Your father.your father is Brunsweigger, the Legendary Hero!  
  
Pheonix: Who?  
  
Grandpa: Jesus, kid. Don't you ever read? Brunsweigger, hero who defeated the ultimate evil twenty years ago!  
  
Pheonix: Oh.I kinda remember him. So?  
  
Grandpa: So? So!?! So it means you're destined to fight evil!  
  
Pheonix: Actually, I was thinking of becoming a sheep herder.  
  
Grandpa: Shut your mouth, foolish boy! Now come back to the village and I will teach you all sorts of potentially useful spells!  
  
Pheonix: Umm.grandpa.you do know the village is being destroyed right now, right?  
  
Grandpa: Umm.oh dear. Come pheonix!  
  
(Pheonix and Grandpa depart)  
  
Mayaji: Umm.Pheonix.?  
  
END PART 3 


End file.
